Mike Moring

Please help!

Back in late 2019/early 2020, I remembered that the World Wildlife Fund held an annual charity event where participants could challenge themselves by climbing the 1,776 steps of the CN Tower. I made a mental Post-It note of the upcoming event and used it to help motivate a renewed focus on my oscillating fitness—which was then in decline. 

Spurred on by this new goal, I finally slipped back into a healthy(ish) routine, whipping myself toward something resembling decent shape, ready to mount this enormous and vaguely phallic undertaking. But you'll never guess what happened next...

In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, the WWF cancelled its 2020 event. When an airborne virus is running amok, crowding a bunch of do-gooders into a stairwell and watching them gasp for breath as they climb nearly 150 flights doesn't, in fact, do good. 

When gyms eventually re-opened, I kept the dream alive. For a while, I was committed to a weekly (sometimes semi-weekly) simulated CN Tower climb. I'd hop on a Stair Climber machine, punch in my goal of 145-150 floors (rounding up from the CN Tower's 144 floors), and work my way to the make-believe summit. (The summit was imaginary, but I assure you the sweat and anguish were very real. My apologies to any Goodlife Fitness staff or patrons who had to witness this ugly spectacle.)

In the intervening years, I've repeatedly missed the event. There's been no shortage of distractions these past few years—from ongoing pandemics to significant career pivots. And, I must admit, my fitness has continued to fluctuate—sometimes going from promising upswings to violent downturns that last weeks or months. 

Over the past several months, though, I've been steadfast in my commitment to improved fitness. My simulated CN Tower climbs are long behind me (my Goodlife membership was a necessary casualty of the current economic climate), but my home workouts have become more focused and consistent. (Apologies to my partner, who has patiently endured my daily symphony of grunts, groans, profanities and exasperated sighs.) I've begun an exciting new fitness journey, one that I hope will finally end decades of discouraging backslides. And so when I suddenly remembered the WWF-Canada CN Tower Climb, I figured now was the time to tackle this once-abandoned goal—with only five days to ready myself for the occasion, I quickly registered for one of the only available time slots (an ungodly 6:30 AM this Saturday). 

This, my friends and family, is where you come in. To participate, I have to raise a modest donation of $125 for the World Wildlife Fund Canada. (The funds raised will help support WWF-Canada's efforts to restore nature, reverse wildlife loss and fight climate change. Doesn't that sound nice?) I'm hoping I can convince some of you to toss in a few bucks—whatever you can spare—to ease the financial burden. There's less than a week until showtime, but I'd be grateful if you could contribute anything to help me reach the minimum donation in time. 

Please help me achieve this long-dormant goal of ascending our nation's most monumental phallus, one step at a time.